I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much I enjoy being in my own company. I love to lounge on my bed and read. Fall asleep to great music. Pop my headphones in and go for a wander that lasts for hours. Sit on my own in a life drawing class and get lost in my own world. It’s a joy and something I’ve really learned to do in the past couple of years.
When I moved country, especially for the second time, the loneliness was so palpable – I had no friends here and if you call your family too often they start to worry. Mentally being prepared to spend a lot of time on my ownsome is something I am very grateful to be okay with now. I find comfort in Beckett, Fleetwood Mac, Giacometti, blabbing on this self indulgent blog …..(and Green and Black’s chocolate, but don’t tell anyone!)
Recently it changed a bit. My previous ramblings have been about the impossibly wrong guys I’ve met and my escape pursuits. The mistakes I’ve made and the hurt I’ve had. This time though I met someone who I can’t say was an idiot – what am I supposed to do now? Stay with him, of course, if he’s into you, just stay! And unbelievably I actually wanted to. I felt I could be myself around this person, when we met each other it kind of became an instant friendship and after spending several weekends together I was really enjoying this person being the newest member of my … eer, life (why does that feel weird to write?!). I was very cautious – this territory is somewhere I haven’t been for awhile, that wasn’t very fair on the guy. I actually wanted to keep it as it was – fun and so nice.
My first Saturday morning alone after those weeks with him was a bit of a bore. I looked forward to seeing him again and my stomach jumped with excitement when I did – oi, it wasn’t love – don’t get the wrong message! It was very much a like though and one that I wanted to continue. After those really nice few weeks a couple of awkward things happened – both of us contributed and the end was nigh – especially when I saw he was still online dating. Nothing wrong early on but after two months and no offer to give up and just focus on us .. despite my not so subtle hints, I realised that I maybe thought more of him than he did me. No girl wants to feel like she’s waiting in the wings so it was time for me not to run this time but force myself to walk away. Back to Beckett and Giacometti, to my world where it’s safe and secure. I know I deserve someone who wants me and just me and I really wanted him to feel the same but no and I have to accept that. I can’t expect a person to get into something they don’t want even if they think they do …. All the ‘no’ signs seemed obvious.
Of course my wonderful friends are there but I was so ready to meet someone who I could have a physical and mental thing with. Today, I’m sad.
Yes, I have lots of dating options, let’s face it I know I’m not totally undesirable but those people come and go so quickly. It’s not often that we meet someone who we are so intrigued by, we WANT to be liked by, we want them to see us as an awesome person and want to get to know them. It burns so hard when it’s not felt in return.
Anyway, my point here is that I learned some lessons :
1. I know I’m capable of allowing myself to be vulnerable again.
2. I love learning from people.
3. Not everyone is at the same stage at the same time.
4. After a warm wet tear rolled down my cheek during my ‘ending it’ text I knew that it’s ok to cry. I haven’t in a very long time. Sometimes things are just sad though.
5. I can feel comfortable in someone’s company – not just of words and songs.
So, some questions for you lovely bunch: Am I being over-zealous? Was I too cautious?
Basically, do you think I f**ked it up?? Let me know!
Oh one more thing:
I should have waited until after Valentine’s Day! I joke, I joke!!
I hope you all have a beautiful love
day. Think of me with my matted hair, in my teddy bear pjs, singing ‘all by myself’ and diving head first into a tub of ice-cream! (I’ll actually be at a party but I want you all to feel sorry me 😉 )
Time to roll my heart up.
Tons of love and kisses xxx