No Woman’s Land

So, the last time I blogged here was pretty soon after I was told I need to ‘lose some weight and do more exercise’. I posted when I was pretty angry about it. The guy has tried to apologise since – I thanked him for the gesture but didn’t accept it – I don’t want anything to redeem what he said. Pretty bitter of me but hey, I think I have the right. 

For the past few weeks I’ve been a little bit down in the dumps. I was hurt by my ex, had a flu, money is tight and I’ve been at a bit of a loose end since uni finished for this year. I suddenly went from regular dates and a heavy work load to suddenly having a lot of time and not much moolah to do anything with it. It was and still kind of is a pretty blue time for me. I was in a no man’s land – what am I doing? What is missing? 

This week though I realised that I really should stop feeling sorry for myself and take charge of life. I thought about what I could do to make me feel better and not get down about things I can’t change. I asked myself about what I love: 

My family – they’re  in a different country but I skyped loads this week and it’s so nice to hear about their everyday lives.

Drawing: I got my pens and paper out again and drew anything I saw that caught my eye. 

Books: Gathered all my old favourites to read once again.

Then my friend brought me the gift of wine! I’ve had a few glasses as a treat! 

I’m getting used to being solitary again. It’s lonely when someone vacates your life but this time it was for the best and I realise that it’s better to be alone and happy. 

Now all I have to do become happy in myself again. Then the job hunting and dating game will begin.

I can get so easily knocked but I think I’m learning to appreciate the lesson and get on my feet again. All with the help of friends, cake, books and wine!! 

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The bully and how to attempt to knock a girl down.Β 

This is me :

  

This is a message I received from the guy I recently ended with: 

  
Now, I’m not totally innocent here. When he started calling me names I told him that he should be more polite to waiting staff and maybe ease up on name dropping of all the people he knows. Does those comments deem such a cruel remark on my physicality? I don’t think I’m anything perfect but happily average and comfortable in my skin. 

It makes me sad though. That someone can stoop so low and use the stereotypical female ‘weight issues’ comment. It shows that humans  still have that power over us when they are desperate enough to use it. Luckily, I’m proud to be the way I am and would only ever bother with exercise of it satisfied me. I walk everywhere, eat healthily – meh, good enough. But imagine if I were body conscious, as so many of us are? How hurtful and damaging would that be? I shed a tear, of course but I can’t bear to think of how it would feel if I were more insecure. 

I’m so pleased I have such great friends to support me. So sad that I shared my body with that guy but sadder for him that he is so shallow and desperate to cause such grievance. 

Body confidence is such a sensitive topic. It’s only highlighted negatively by people desperate and cruel enough to use it as ammunition.

I think I look alright. I think the human body is beautiful in all shapes and sizes. It’s one of the things that make us unique and special. 

I’m not going on a diet or try to lose weight. I am going on a ‘cruel people’ diet – Weight Watchers: NO THANKS! Asshole Watchers: YES PLEASE! 

Let’s all of us good souls be kind to one another. There’s too many human shaped toxins on our planet. 

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The one with another person!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much I enjoy being in my own company. I love to lounge on my bed and read. Fall asleep to great music. Pop my headphones in and go for a wander that lasts for hours. Sit on my own in a life drawing class and get lost in my own world. It’s a joy and something I’ve really learned to do in the past couple of years.

When I moved country, especially for the second time, the loneliness was so palpable – I had no friends here and if you call your family too often they start to worry. Mentally being prepared to spend a lot of time on my ownsome is something I am very grateful to be okay with now. I find comfort in Beckett, Fleetwood Mac, Giacometti, blabbing on this self indulgent blog …..(and Green and Black’s chocolate, but don’t tell anyone!)

Recently it changed a bit. My previous ramblings have been about the impossibly wrong guys I’ve met and my escape pursuits. The mistakes I’ve made and the hurt I’ve had. This time though I met someone who I can’t say was an idiot – what am I supposed to do now? Stay with him, of course, if he’s into you, just stay! And unbelievably I actually wanted to. I felt I could be myself around this person, when we met each other it kind of became an instant friendship and after spending several weekends together I was really enjoying this person being the newest member of my … eer, life (why does that feel weird to write?!). I was very cautious – this territory is somewhere I haven’t been for awhile, that wasn’t very fair on the guy. I actually wanted to keep it as it was – fun and so nice.

My first Saturday morning alone after those weeks with him was a bit of a bore. I looked forward to seeing him again and my stomach jumped with excitement when I did – oi, it wasn’t love – don’t get the wrong message! It was very much a like though and one that I wanted to continue. After those really nice few weeks a couple of awkward things happened – both of us contributed and the end was nigh – especially when I saw he was still online dating. Nothing wrong early on but after two months and no offer to give up and just focus on us .. despite my not so subtle hints, I realised that I maybe thought more of him than he did me. No girl wants to feel like she’s waiting in the wings so it was time for me not to run this time but force myself to walk away. Back to Beckett and Giacometti, to my world where it’s safe and secure. I know I deserve someone who wants me and just me and I really wanted him to feel the same but no and I have to accept that. I can’t expect a person to get into something they don’t want even if they think they do …. All the ‘no’ signs seemed obvious.

Of course my wonderful friends are there but I was so ready to meet someone who I could have a physical and mental thing with. Today, I’m sad.

Yes, I have lots of dating options, let’s face it I know I’m not totally undesirable but those people come and go so quickly. It’s not often that we meet someone who we are so intrigued by, we WANT to be liked by, we want them to see us as an awesome person and want to get to know them. It burns so hard when it’s not felt in return.

Anyway, my point here is that I learned some lessons :
1. I know I’m capable of allowing myself to be vulnerable again.

2. I love learning from people.

3. Not everyone is at the same stage at the same time.

4. After a warm wet tear rolled down my cheek during my ‘ending it’ text I knew that it’s ok to cry. I haven’t in a very long time. Sometimes things are just sad though.

5. I can feel comfortable in someone’s company – not just of words and songs.

So, some questions for you lovely bunch: Am I being over-zealous? Was I too cautious?

Basically, do you think I f**ked it up?? Let me know!

Oh one more thing:

I should have waited until after Valentine’s Day! I joke, I joke!!

I hope you all have a beautiful love
day. Think of me with my matted hair, in my teddy bear pjs, singing ‘all by myself’ and diving head first into a tub of ice-cream! (I’ll actually be at a party but I want you all to feel sorry me πŸ˜‰ )

Time to roll my heart up.

Tons of love and kisses xxx

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Big love to you ladies who can deal with being au natural downstairs, but personally it’s not my choice – I think it’s incredibly uncomfortable and I don’t need to be shufflin’ uncomfortably all day!! Each to their own though and if you like it embrace it.
My ‘frenemy’ American Apparel have recently decided to add a little (big) bit of lady garden to their mannequins (and they can’t even shuffle!) in a bid to make the bush sexy for valentines.

Do they really think us ladies are sheeply enough to follow their crotch dressing? I guess some peeps are influenced – which is different from the woman who knows what she wants and how she wants it, but how dare they assume. Yes it can be seen that they are promoting healthy body image and not to be concerned about having to be as hairless as the day you entered this fine world; mannequins are for clothes, the vagina and it’s style is personal. There’s a big old pervert behind this campaign and it makes me sick to think that he is getting and reaping the glory.

So, outside of politics, are you pro or anti-bush? Boys please give your two cents too πŸ™‚

Love xx

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10578880/American-Apparel-pubic-hair-mannequins-shock-New-Yorkers.html

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Happy New ….Fear???

  • So, it’s Christmas and the dread of going back home to deal with all your friends who are settling down and talking about wedding plans – ugh! This was my first year of this and thankfully my Mom warned me of the delight and wonder over a rock that I would have to feign. Of course I’m happy for my friends, it’s wonderful to see them joyous but I’ve always been different, I’ve never wanted the whole wedding vom fest – I think it’s a huge waste of money for a show. (As you know I’m not particularly keen on potential dating at the moment, never mind a COMMITMENT shudder) They asked the usual stuff about what I’m up to and I told them, I got a pitying look from some and envious whispers from others; keep your desire to be single a secret it seems!

    It’s been a wonderful year, I’ve had so much fun and it’s been boy(well, relationship!) free which is exactly what I wanted and good news, my ex finally got the message – I think it was when he was sending me flowers quite regularly and I asked him to send me something more useful instead, like Tesco vouchers – he thought it was rude, I told him ‘you made your bed mate, lie in it’ and in a weird way I’m glad he did mess up. I probably would still like him if so.

    I made a list throughout the year of all the things I regret doing that I have no plans to follow suit this year. I got annoyed with reading bullshit cryptic lists, so if you’re interested here’s mine:

    Stop spending time with the wrong people – never let anyone suck the happiness out of you.

    Stop lying to yourself – you can lie to someone else if need be but don’t be untrue to yourself, you need to face the facts!

    Stop putting your own needs on the back burner – see my previous posts. I lost myself in the process of caring for others too much.

    Stop trying to be someone your not – I’ve never done this but I think it’s good to remind myself of this. I’ve made some stupid mistakes but I knew what I was doing.

    Stop trying to hold on to the past – just because something failed previously doesn’t mean it will in the future.

    Stop berating yourself for old mistakes – I’ve done ’em all, this year I’m going to stop ruling my life by them. I’ve loved he wrong people, I’ve been selfish at times but I am not my mistakes.

    Stop trying to buy happiness – those shoes will not make your day brighter, give my credit card a break (the white boots DO make me feel swag though)

    Stop looking to others for happiness – again I don’t usually do this, but I’m afraid I’ll stop and base my future on another person. Friends and lovers should be a wonderful addition not a replacement.

    Stop being idle.

    Stop thinking you’re not ready – I wrote this only last month, even a potential ‘like’ and I was running away, even if it’s just fun, I run! I need to stop doing this. I’m Trish and commitment freaks me out.

    Stop rejecting new possible relationships because old ones didn’t work – see above.

    Stop feeling sorry for yourself – the negatives in life are often lessons learned.

    Stop letting others bring you down to their level – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

    Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others – I found myself explaining to a friend why I spent the night with someone I probably shouldn’t have this year – because I wanted to and I had a blast. That’s why! Regrets? Nada!

    Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break – work rule, take more holidays.

    Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments – Enjoy the little things, because one day you look back and realize that moments was pretty important.

    Stop trying to be everything to everyone – I always have this woe. I always want to see people happy and I came to terms with it being impossible for me to achieve. I need to narrow my focus.

    Stop feeling bad for having fun – This relates to the whole Christmas, friends, settling down thing. I felt bad for being young(ish), free and single. Why? I’m having a great time, I’m in a very loving relationship with myself and my friends. I just need to stop feeling bad about it!! And I don’t have to text anyone – oh how I hate texting.

    This blog is way more emotional than my usual. Sorry to all of you who expect my usual hard-assness. I’ll be back with my usual rant over life’s woes. This is a once off HNY special.

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If the heavens did chat up lines!

I need to share this with you all. A dude came over to talk to me recently; being quite handsome I was okay with conversing back. This is how it went:

Him: I don’t think you’re a girl who would appreciate being called ‘Babe’?

Me: No

Him: How about Snuggle-bunny?

Me: Only if I can call you Captain Cuddles?

Him: Oh no, Captain Cuddles is the name of our cat, Santa Paws is our dog. Our children, Nathaniel and Evelyn. Β Nate will have my chissled jaw line, while the beautiful Evie will have her mother’s long dark silky hair.

Me: I’m Trish by the way, nice to meet you!

Him: Another whiskey , darling? I’m Andy

Me: Eer yes please, Andy.

I thought it was good work, all I have to do now is to decide wheather to contact him or not. I promised myself a man free New Year though.

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Beautiful Girls

Rosie O’Donnell being pretty accurate about male preconceptions of women.

Hello you crazy cats πŸ™‚

Sorry I haven’t blogged in quite some time. I was all bummed out about being alone in London. I’ve spent months being pre occupied about a guy who was just not into me and I realise now how I’ve been wasting my time.

Anyway, I’m back on the bandwagon and ready to take on the dating world again. Well, to be honest I’m not that interested so plan to spend lots of time with my friends and family this New Year, I get so upset about the way I’ve been to foolish with guys that I forget about who really loves me.

I missed it here. I was still reading all your greatness though.

Okay, to my point. Everything I know (very little) about guys I learned from the above movie, I watched it again recently and it reminded me of what different creatures we are. There’s the sweet guy who’s facing the trauma of settling down, who oddly forms a crush on 13 year old Natalie Portman’s character, obviously completely out of the fear of manning up. There’s the perv who’s obsessed with all things supermodel. The guy who has a loyal girlfriend who totally disregards her and has an affair with his high school crush. The married guy with the wife, kids and pressure. It’s got it all and in this scene Rosie O’Donnell (the ball-buster) gives a bit of truth to the guys.

Yes, the scene is OTT but in truth all the basics are there. The expectation vs the unrealised reality , the bitterness of the woman vs the lighthearted smiles of the guys and a punch in the guts of a bout of honesty.

Hail women. I seriously can’t be bothered with the wimps of men I’ve came across.

Love xxx

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